Imagine a place where adults can legally act like children, where screams of joy echo through the air, and where the biggest worry is whether to ride the green slide or the purple one next.
Welcome to Funtown Splashtown USA in Saco, Maine!
Nestled in the heart of the Pine Tree State, this aquatic wonderland is like a fountain of youth for the young at heart.
It’s the kind of place that makes you wonder why we ever decided growing up was a good idea.
As you approach the entrance, you’re greeted by a colorful sign that practically screams “FUN!” in capital letters.
It’s as if the park is saying, “Hey you! Yes, you with the mortgage and the spreadsheets. Put that stuff away and come play!”
The moment you step through those gates, you’re transported to a world where adulting is strictly prohibited.
It’s like entering a parallel universe where the only currency is laughter and the dress code is “whatever floats your tube.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
“A waterpark? In Maine? Isn’t that like opening an ice cream shop in Antarctica?”
But let me tell you, when those few precious months of summer roll around, Mainers know how to make the most of it.
And Funtown Splashtown USA is their aquatic playground of choice.
This isn’t just any old waterpark, mind you.
It’s a sprawling 40-acre complex that combines the thrills of an amusement park with the refreshing splashes of a water wonderland.
It’s like someone took the best parts of childhood, added a dash of adrenaline, and sprinkled it with chlorine.
As you wander through the park, you’ll find an array of attractions that cater to every level of thrill-seeker.
From the mild to the wild, there’s something here for everyone – even that one friend who thinks getting their feet wet is an extreme sport.
Let’s start with the star of the show – the water slides.
These aren’t your average backyard slip-n-slides, oh no.
These are towering behemoths of twisting tubes and sudden drops that’ll have you questioning your life choices one second and begging to go again the next.
Take the Tornado, for instance.
This beast of a slide sends you spiraling down a 60-foot drop in a four-person cloverleaf tube.
It’s like being flushed down the world’s most exciting toilet – and trust me, that’s a compliment.
As you emerge from the bottom, dazed and grinning like a maniac, you’ll find yourself already planning your next ride.
The Tornado is the kind of ride that makes you question your life choices and reaffirm them simultaneously.
As you climb those stairs, each step brings you closer to what can only be described as voluntary insanity.
The anticipation builds, your heart races, and suddenly you’re perched at the top, staring down into what looks like a giant, watery vortex of doom.
Then, before you can say “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” you’re off, swirling and twirling like a human smoothie in a blender set to “thrill.”
It’s the kind of experience that makes you wonder why we don’t solve all of life’s problems with giant water slides.
World peace? Toss those diplomats down the Tornado and watch them come out laughing and high-fiving.
For those who prefer their thrills with a side of companionship, there’s the Mammoth and Rampage slides.
These family-style raft rides let you share the screams with up to four people.
It’s a great way to bond with loved ones, or to find out which of your friends has the highest-pitched scream.
If you’re more of a “feet firmly on the ground” type, fear not.
The park has plenty of options for those who prefer their water adventures a little less vertical.
The Pirate’s Paradise is a water playground that’s perfect for younger visitors or those who think “adventure” means getting splashed unexpectedly.
With its tipping buckets, spray jets, and mini slides, it’s like a waterpark within a waterpark.
Waterpark inception, if you will.
It’s the kind of place where you can unleash your inner buccaneer without the risk of walking the plank.
Kids can pretend they’re swashbuckling pirates, while adults can pretend they’re not secretly having just as much fun.
The giant tipping bucket is like nature’s alarm clock – every few minutes, it dumps a deluge of water on unsuspecting landlubbers below.
It’s a great way to wake up if the excitement of being at a waterpark somehow hasn’t done the trick.
And let’s be honest, there’s something oddly satisfying about watching other people get drenched while you stand safely out of splash range.
Just don’t get too smug – karma has a way of finding you in places like this, usually in the form of a well-aimed water cannon.
For a more relaxing experience, hop on the Lazy River.
This meandering stream lets you float along at a leisurely pace, perfect for when you need a break from all the excitement.
It’s like a conveyor belt of relaxation, gently carrying you past the chaos of the park.
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Just be warned – it’s easy to get so comfortable that you forget to get off and end up doing laps like some sort of aquatic hamster wheel.
And here’s the thing about the Lazy River – it’s not just a ride, it’s a state of mind.
As you drift along, you’ll find yourself contemplating life’s big questions.
Like, “Why can’t all commutes be this enjoyable?” or “Is it possible to order pizza delivery to a floating tube?”
You might even achieve a zen-like state, becoming one with the gentle current.
Just don’t be surprised if that state of nirvana is abruptly interrupted by a splash war from a passing family.
Remember, in the Lazy River, everyone’s equal – equally pruney and equally relaxed.
Now, let’s talk about the “Funtown” part of Funtown Splashtown USA.
Because sometimes, you want to experience thrills without the risk of water up your nose.
The park boasts an impressive collection of dry rides that’ll have you screaming with delight (or terror – we don’t judge).
The crown jewel of the amusement section is undoubtedly Excalibur, New England’s largest wooden roller coaster.
This behemoth of a ride stands 100 feet tall and reaches speeds of up to 55 mph.
It’s like riding a wooden dragon through a series of stomach-dropping twists and turns.
As you climb that first hill, you’ll have just enough time to question your life choices before gravity takes over and sends you hurtling back to earth.
For those who prefer their thrills with a side of dizziness, there’s the Thunder Falls Log Flume.
This classic ride combines the best of both worlds – the excitement of a coaster with the refreshing splash of a water ride.
It’s perfect for those hot summer days when you can’t decide between staying dry and cooling off.
Just be prepared for that moment of suspense at the top of the drop – it’s like time stands still for a second before you plummet down, leaving your stomach somewhere back at the top.
If you’re looking for something a little more… vertical, check out the Dragon’s Descent.
This drop tower sends you soaring 220 feet into the air before letting gravity do its thing.
It’s like bungee jumping, except without the bungee.
And with a seat.
Okay, so it’s not really like bungee jumping at all, but it’s still pretty exhilarating.
As you’re dangling at the top, enjoying the view (or squeezing your eyes shut, no judgment here), you’ll have just enough time to regret every decision that led you to this moment before the sudden drop reminds you why you love thrill rides.
For those who prefer to keep their feet on the ground (or at least closer to it), there are plenty of family-friendly options too.
The Astrosphere is a classic Scrambler ride enclosed in a dome with a wild light show.
It’s like being inside a disco ball that’s been tossed into a blender.
In a good way, of course.
And let’s not forget the classic carousel.
Because sometimes, you just want to ride a brightly painted horse in circles while calliope music plays.
It’s a timeless attraction that never goes out of style – kind of like that one pair of jeans you’ve had since college.
Now, all this excitement is bound to work up an appetite.
Luckily, Funtown Splashtown USA has you covered in the food department too.
From classic park fare like hot dogs and hamburgers to more unexpected options like pizza and ice cream, there’s something to satisfy every craving.
Just remember the golden rule of waterparks – wait at least 30 minutes after eating before going on the slides.
Unless you want to give your lunch an unexpected encore performance, that is.
As the day winds down and the sun begins to set, you might find yourself reluctant to leave this watery wonderland.
But fear not – Funtown Splashtown USA isn’t going anywhere.
It’ll be here next summer, ready to welcome you back with open arms and fully chlorinated pools.
So as you drag your pruney feet towards the exit, already planning your next visit, take a moment to appreciate the magic of this place.
In a world that often takes itself too seriously, Funtown Splashtown USA is a reminder that it’s okay – no, it’s essential – to let loose and have fun sometimes.
It’s a place where adults can be kids, where screams of terror quickly turn into laughter, and where the biggest decision you have to make is which slide to conquer next.
So the next time someone tells you to “grow up,” just smile and tell them you’re saving that for another day.
After all, there’s a waterpark in Maine calling your name.
For more information about operating hours, ticket prices, and special events, be sure to visit Funtown Splashtown USA’s official website or Facebook page.
And don’t forget to use this map to plan your aquatic adventure – because nothing ruins a day of fun faster than getting lost on the way to the waterpark.
Where: 774 Portland Rd, Saco, ME 04072
Life’s too short for boring summers.
Make a splash at Funtown Splashtown USA – where every day is a pool party, and everyone’s invited!