Study: Those Who Dream Big Die Early

In a study released this Tuesday, researchers at Stanford announced that those who give up on their dreams live 30% longer than those who pursue their aspirations to change the world.

According to the study, giving in to banal dreariness and personal mediocrity can add as much as 14 years to a person’s life, versus the early demise of more hopeful, ambitious peers.  Although the findings fly in the face of conventional wisdom, which urges young people to dream big and never give up, scientists say that pursuing lofty personal goals often leads to such dangerous behaviors as speaking your mind, heroism, running for President, and caring.

“If you see someone you love striving for success beyond their wildest imagination, pull them aside and tell them ‘Hey, trying hard and believing in yourself can lead to an early grave, buddy.  That’s the coward’s way out.  For your health’s sake, just give in to the inevitable joyless slog of life.  Your body will thank you,’” advised one of the researchers.

The study stresses that in the long run, those who give it their best shot inevitably wind up dead, whether from defying the wishes of a powerful criminal or suffering alcohol poisoning while attempting to break the world record for most consecutive shotguns.

“Just get a mid-level job at the DMV and watch your soul slowly drain away,” said a second researcher.  “After all, souls can lead to you trying to save someone from a subway train or something.”

Along with finding that “reaching for the stars” and “living life to the fullest” are as dangerous as smoking and driving without a seat belt, the report points to “having a positive outlook” and “performing enjoyable hobbies” as activities that can act as gateways to dangerously big dreams.

“It’s probably best just to stay in your room most days and watch TV,” commented lead researcher Devin Williams. “Even slightly ambitious activities that hint toward aspirations to better yourself can one day lead to an early,  gruesome demise.”