Pimento Cheese Sandwich to Be Evicted

BELOVED UNION STATION – Early last Wednesday morning, a longtime resident of the beloved Union Station was quietly delivered a notice of eviction. Doug Mould, a soggy pimento cheese sandwich and local volunteer, is only the most recent in a series of displacements following the recently announced closing of the beloved Union Station—a well-known affordable housing complex for unwanted food. “It’s a shock to me, that’s for sure,” admitted Mould, “I’ve been hiding out behind the Lunchables for years. I’d really started to make a home out of the back corner of the top shelf.” At press time, Mould was reportedly speaking with Rush-Co management about renting a bottom-shelf duplex shared with family of Pickle-In-A-Bags.